Weariness

I'm going to be honest, I'm a little weary.  If you are reading this blog and you are prepared to hear the great and glorious things about being a wife to a ministry person, STOP reading now.  I don't want you to be disappointed.  

Last week on Facebook I posted something like this: "If you employ a self-employed person please be respectful and honor that employment" blah, blah, blah.  I was lashing out because on Monday, three days after Thanksgiving, Shannon called to check in with a pastor he was singing for this weekend.  In doing so, his date was cancelled.  The pastor forgot.  I suppose it happens, but it's lame.  Move on to the next phone call, all in a day's work you know, and yet ANOTHER date was cancelled in January.  Grrr.  While we are so thankful that Shannon is able to fulfill his calling and support our family, it hasn't come without sacrifice and once again, I'm weary.

I'm already worried about the next months, which are unusually slow for Shannon, and how we will make it.  He has one date booked in January, and two dates booked in February.  Sometimes that's how the cards fall.  What I can say is that we have always made it; somehow, someway.  Shannon received a message through Facebook from a friend in the industry that we trust and appreciate regarding his recent cancellations.  The message, wait for it....pissed me off to the core.  Sorry for the harsh language, but it really cut me to the bone.  And then I was bitter.

So along with my bitter and weary self-pity, I dwelt upon a few things.  For instance, I rarely ever get to go home to Texas to visit my family.  Why?  Well, when Shannon isn't traveling our weekends together (which are very rare) are spent doing the things around the house that we haven't been able to get to, or spending time as a family (which is rare) on the weekend doing things families who don't travel take for granted (i.e. family movie night) and so you get the drift.  How about vacation you say?  Well we take what we call "working vacations" that include ministry stops on the way in and the way out which means we worked while on vacation, wait....what?  Date night you say?  What's that?  Who takes a date night during the work week?  And those trips to the grocery store or shopping, alone, that mommies need every now and then?  Yeah, I don't get those.  My babysitter is out ministering.  I've always been a giver.  In fact, I can't tell you how many pairs of tennis shoes or uniform shirts I've purchased for my students who needed them.  But, I want to bless more.  For once it would be awesome to know just exactly what our budget was each month.  You know, like everybody else.  

So then I got grouchy.  Poor Shannon, he took the brunt of my grumpiness.  It's his fault right?  Or wait, maybe it's God's fault.  Whoa.  

Insert Life Assembly today.  The package.  The very special package.  The one we all want to open.  The one that is so special you can't find it on Target's shelf.  Pastor Andrew's sermon was for me today.    I must admit that my weary, bitter self has been on a partial vacation from church lately.  The last month has been full of school deadlines (151 page paper along with a research project) and I've found myself scrambling on Sundays to get it all done.  Lame, but true.  The Sundays that I have attended I've been working in the nursery (which I secretly love) and I haven't been privy to the message.  Anyway, I'm done with school for the semester and ready to celebrate the reason for this season.  But what I realized today was that I've spent way too much time making sure my cup was shiny on the outside, being the proud person I am, so that people wouldn't & couldn't see my weariness, my bitterness, my self-pity.  But, I've got to spend more time shining up the inside of the cup so I don't lose my joy.  

Galatians 6:9 tells us: "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  

So, I will continue to press on.  I've prayed through my bitterness and self-pity (it didn't last very long) and I will remember what the Lord has in store for me.  I already have the package that most people are looking for, and that shall be my perspective.  I may not have it all, but I DO have it all.  And that Facebook message; well it was just what God wanted me to hear.  I needed to get my motivation back, even if it did include making me, ugh- mad!  So thanks Pastor Andrew, and thanks Jeff, for clearing up my sight this week.